NOISUFNOC

Heyya guys,
For once, I’m not sure whether I should start the posting this way, I even considered “Dear God”, but as you realized I stuck to my traditional opening. I don’t even want to post this one, but I know that if I don’t do it, my blog dies. I wrote another entry a week ago and I didn’t have the guts to post it. Heh, yeah I’m a chicken.

I was talking to two friends yesterday and I realized that I’m not a fighter; there is nothing fighterish in me. If I’m faced with a prob… heh I flee, I panic, I let go. The real problem is that life is full of problems and I can’t keep avoiding them. That’s what this posting is about. I know I shouldn’t be writing about it, especially since anybody could read it, but I need to tell someone. HEH I realized that I freeze every time I talk about me, so I foundan other way to do that... writing.

I’m not happy with my A level results… I passed; I got okish grades and got into University. YET I’m feeling confused. I applied bdw B.A communications Theatre Studies; hopefully I’ll make it and become a journalist. Thing is in Malta journalists are rubbish, so let’s say I’m good enough and make it into the big world, than what. I've got cash to spend, I buy a house, I get a dog, I grow old, and then I die…….. ALONE.

I face God, he asks why should I let you in and I look at him and I say “I’ve worked at the Guardian” (which is farfetched in it self loool) anyways… and he looks at me and smiles. Then he goes “Sorry Carly (YES that’s my real name), but what have you done for others, to help?” and that is when I stammer, which is something I’m good at. Like doctors help others, lawyers help others, dentists help others, social workers help others… journalists make a name for themselves.

As time passes I feel more detached from people and from my dreams. I dream a lot and even though I deny it, deep down “I’m just a dreamer”, but day by day I see dreams walk past me, and other people’s dreams come through, and it hurts. I’m not envious, on the contrary I’m happy for them, but would it “spoil some vast eternal plan” if one of my dreams came through. I guess the failure of my dreams is the result of my second paragraph… heh, I don’t fight enough. I know I should, but I can’t help it. Call me an idiot or whatever loool… I spent the first 15 years of my life, believing that I could make it into the theatre industry (lame or what). I spent the first sixteen years of my life dreaming of becoming a lawyer and helping people but that didn't happen (not only the grades, I can’t take anymore stress …I just can’t). I could go on for ever: children, America all dreams down the drain. But now I got one dream… one prayer, which I can’t watch fade. Every day I’ve got the same prayer… the same cry and yet “nothing ever happens”. I’m not telling what the dream is cause if I do, you’ll be patronizing… AND I DON”T WANT THAT.

I’m gonna keep on dreaming, but I know that like all dreams this one is vanishing, but I’m desperately holding to the last straw.

Guys, writing this was hard, it took 2hrs and quite some tissues. Heh anyways I’m posting before I change my mind and cancel my blog.

With Love
Plutyxxx